Dear Ms. Kardashian,
First, can I call you Kim? I feel as though I know you, what with all the quality time we spend together in the supermarket check-out lines. No weekly trip to the Bucket to purchase provender for my family would be complete if it didn't end with a mad perusal of the checkout tabs, and their urgent! critical!! earthshattering!!! newsbriefs about Jennifer Aniston's impending nuptials and whether or not aliens have invaded the CIA. And no celebrity rag worth its 72-point typeface would be complete without an update about something to do with the Kardashian clan, most recently focusing on you, your increasing girth, and the fashion dilemmas this engenders.
This brings me to the topic of this missive, Kim. You seem to be missing the whole freaking point of pregnancy, my friend! And that point is, you get a nine-month hiatus from feeling compelled to be skinny! From the moment that cluster of cells implants in your uterine wall, you get to relax those ab muscles, put aside the Spanx, and break out the elastic waistbands for the duration - and if you're me, for several weeks postpartum as well (although I assume you're going to go straight for the mom job, given your chosen, um, 'career'). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that you are in deep, deep denial about the realities of pregnancy. How else do you explain this:
Hey, the pregnant female form in all its ripeness and curves is a beautiful thing, I agree, but the overall effect is much, much more pleasing when one dresses to accommodate it. And this? Well, it just looks uncomfortable, is what it looks like. As my dear departed grammie would say, you like like ten pounds of flour in a five-pound sack. Don't tell me you didn't run (okay, waddle) home right after that event and fling that thing off your body as fast as you could. How much cuter would you look in a nice, loose, Empire-waisted A-line dress? Tons, is the answer, and you wouldn't have seam lines permanently imprinted in your skin afterward.
Now, I've heard that you refuse to wear typical maternity clothes because Kanye doesn't like them or some such mess. Really? You're over the age of reason (30) and you're allowing someone else to dictate how you look? If that is the case, Kimmy, then obviously you have bigger problems to resolve than what you're wearing, but that's a whole nother post. What you need right now is a nice pair of maternity jeans (the kind with the foot-wide stretchy waistband), a cute peasant top, and a pair of sparkly flats. Then you need to sit your preggo butt down in a chair and take a load off your feet for the next couple months, public appearances be damned. We'll deal with the train wreck that is the immediately-postpartum-mom-body later...we'll take this one step at a time.
Yours in motherhood,